Saturday 8 June – The Fights

by Ross Mueller

(Outside a prize fight is in progress.

Lights up in a tiny dressing room, backstage at “The Fights”.

A is wearing fighters trunks and a robe and a towel. Shadow boxing. The door opens and the crowd noise is loud. The “A Team” begins to assemble in the dressing room. They are dressed as a Crew and they are encouraging A; noting the speed and the precision of the shadow punches.

B enters the room. The noise level outside is peaking. Somebody has landed a heavy blow. B slams the door shut.


B motions for A to come and get hands wrapped. A is immediately obedient and sits in front of B on a massage table. B begins by looking at the bruises on A’s hands)

B    Wow…  Wow… Look, at you. Look at you kid. When you were seventy five kilo’s – you were beautiful, you coulda been another…

(B starts wrapping the hands of A)

But that skunk we got you for a Manager, he brought you along too fast.

A    It wasn’t him Charlie… It was you.

Continue reading “Saturday 8 June – The Fights”

Saturday 1 June – Explosion of Light

 by Ross Mueller

(Penny, Kristina, Anthony and Richard are in a share house. They have cleaning equipment with them. They are about to move into their new share house)

Penny        Pretty good.

Kristina    Spotless.

Anthony    Well… Better than what it was when we arrived.

Kristina    It was actually pretty quick –

Anthony    Well, when we work together –

Penny        Exactly.

Kristina    Painless.

Anthony    An even distribution of duties and –

Penny        Responsibilities.

Anthony    Took the –

Kristina    Word right out of your mouth?

Anthony    Exactly.

Penny        I think this is going to be great.

Kristina    I can’t wait.

Anthony    Oh – that’s so good to hear that. Such a relief.

Kristina    Really?

Anthony    Oh Kristina.

Kristina    What is it?

Anthony    Truth be told?… I was a little worried.

Continue reading “Saturday 1 June – Explosion of Light”

Saturday 25 May (1) – One Week In

by Ross Mueller

(A and B are in bed watching Sky News on TV. A is on the laptop and B is drinking whiskey. It is at least midnight)

A    People who post threads on Twitter.

B    Oh fuck off.

A    I know.

B    They can fuck right off.

A    Take it easy.

B    If you wanna write an essay, get on Facebook, you narcissistic pricks. It’s a micro-blogging site.

A    People forget that.

B    Well, people are fucked.

A    Not all people.

B    Yes. This week. All people. (beat) Just – don’t – okay?

A    Suck it up, Princess.

B    I am not a bad loser!

A    Yes, I can see that.


B    I actually feel sorry for her.

A    I know.

Continue reading “Saturday 25 May (1) – One Week In”

Saturday 18 May night – The Promise of Australia

by Ross Mueller

(11pm on Saturday night. A and B drinking beer and eating pizza and watching the football replay)

A The good news is; we don’t have to pay Labor’s Death Tax and we don’t have to pay Labor’s Housing Tax and we don’t have to pay Labor’s Retiree Taxes! That’s good. It’s gonna save me a fortune.
B How much?
A And guess what? We still get very fast train, the East West Link, we don’t have to pay child care workers any more and we don’t have to pay any more fucken penalty rates. That’s good. And we get Adani. Cheper power prices, we get to keep our utes and we get a Surplus.
B But there’s still five million votes to be counted.
A Fuck that. The agenda that Scott Morrison presented has been accepted by the electorate. Hallelujah.
B What policy agenda?
A Mate. This is the Promise. The Promise of Australia. We are back in the Black, baby. Back in the black, face it. Tax cuts for everybody!
(beat – watching the game)
B Good mark.
A Good mark.
B Strong above his shoulders.
A Another beer?
B Great.
(A looks in the fridge)
A None left.
B You said you brought a slab.
A Yeah – but that’s what you wanted me to tell you.
B So you lied to me.
A No.
B But you’ve got nothin’…
A Holy shit!! Look over there!
(B looks away and A smothers B with a pizza box. B is dead. A watches the footy and munches pizza. Drinks B’s beer.)

Saturday 18 May afternoon – Sydney Domestic

by Ross Mueller

(A, B & C are separate, but drinking schooners. A TV is playing ABC 24, Peter Dutton is on the screen talking, but muted. Easy listening R & B is in the background. A is on lap top, B is playing Snake on the phone, C is staring out on to the tarmac. A gets a text message. Checks phone. They ignore each other. A makes a phone call)
A Yeah. Delayed…. Nah the weather’s perfect. I dunno. An hour at least. Yeah… Not my fault… Not my fault…. Yeah not my…
You too.
(Hangs up. B is watching A… A looks at B)

B (as explanation) Snake… “Snake”. You ever play it?
(They watch Dutton with the music in the background)
C I just hope we get this one right. For the next generation.
B For this generation.
C But our children’s, children…
B For us.
C Yeah, but I just came in from Beijing and mate…
A Gone to sleep.
C It’s Blade Runner. It’s fucken Blade Runner over there.

Continue reading “Saturday 18 May afternoon – Sydney Domestic”

Saturday 11 May (2) – [CORIO] Pre Polling Massacre

by Ross Mueller

(A garden shed. A has a large piece of cardboard on the bench. B is sitting watching the work. Birds are singing outside)

A          Bloody magpies. Give me the shits. Bloody magpies. Give me the shits.

B          The birds. Yes.

A          Yes.

B          They foul your vegies do they?

A          Most definitely. They foul the vegies and they need scaring.

B          Oh yes. Like a franking credit campaign.

A          What?

B          A death tax.

A          Are you deaf?

B          No. Death. Why would you tax the deaf? That’s not fair.

Continue reading “Saturday 11 May (2) – [CORIO] Pre Polling Massacre”

Saturday 4 May (2) – You Can’t Make This Shit Up (Speaking in Tongues)

by Ross Mueller

                   (A TV studio, two men in suits and an audience)

Bill:             How many people here, have either known someone in their family, or know a family, where someone has taken their own life?… 

                   With a show of hands.

(Everybody in the room raises their hand. silence. The whole room slowly lowers their hands except for Scott who is in a moment of Pentecostal prayer. His head is bowed and he holds the focus)

Bill:             Are you okay?

                   (Scott advances towards Bill)

Scott:          The other day when you met a worker in Gladstone /

Bill:             Where are you going?

Scott:         – and they, they were earning two hundred and fifty thousand dollars and you sidled up to him you’re having a bit of chat with him, and he complained about this and what’d you say to him? you said “oh we’ll have a look at that.”

                   You couldn’t look him in the eye and tell him that you were going to increase his taxes by two percent on the first of July of this  year.

Bill:             You right there?

Continue reading “Saturday 4 May (2) – You Can’t Make This Shit Up (Speaking in Tongues)”

Saturday 27 April (1) – Running on Empty

by Ross Mueller

Saturday, 27 April 2019

         (Saturday night in the kitchen, beers & wine. A is chopping too many onions)

A       And he is shorter than I expected and he is just standing on the street. Looking in the window of some shop, top of Collins Street and it’s dark, about nine thirty and he’s with this woman and they’re both wearing these amazing coats and they’re Northern winter coats and they’re just – just window shopping and I say: “Hey man, it’s you.” and he smiles and says; “Hey man, it’s you too.”

         And we both knew it and he just bobs his little head actually, his head is rather large for his body but a lot of famous people have big heads and I say; “Welcome to Melbourne, man.” and he smiles again and he says; “Thanks man. It’s  / a great city.”

B       “It is a great city.”

A       – and I walk on.

B       You go to dinner and you think it’s important for people to give people their privacy.

A       Yes… and I’ve always been proud that I didn’t interrupt him but we both knew who he was in this little time and place and I don’t think he was touring, I’m pretty sure he was just in town, like a normal person and I think we need more of that. Don’t you think?

B       Siri. Can we get some more of that please?

A       I hate social media.

B       Siri is not social media –

A       She knows more about me than I know about myself and it’s probably all over Twitter and I fucking hate that. Our washing machine sings a song when it’s finished the load. It’s a melody and somebody has written that. A resolution for the heavy duty cycle … And I hear that song in my head every time I hear Bill Shorten speaking… I should tweet that. But nobody Follows me. I asked you a question.

B       Do you know anything about how Twitter actually works?

Continue reading “Saturday 27 April (1) – Running on Empty”