Daily short plays inspired by the 2019 Australian election, before and after. Published under a Creative Commons license with all rights reserved by playwrights
by Angus Cameron
2: It’s the end of the world.
3: Yes, the end of the world.
2: That’s right.
1: Well.
2: What?
1: It’s not the end.
2: No . . . Well . . .
3: Not the end.
2: But it feels like the end.
Continue reading “Wednesday 28 May – The End of the World”by Amelia Evans
To sin: a verb meaning: “an immoral act considered to be a transgression against divine law”. Derived from the Biblical Greek hamartia and Hebrew hatar : “to miss the mark” – or the point maybe?
OUR LEADER: Oh god! What a day – another miracle. I was sworn in and I said, like we discussed – that I would govern with humility, compassion and for all Australians. I mean – I know you were there, you saw it but, you were proud of me weren’t you?
He waits for an answer…
We’ll talk about it later. I’m so grateful for everything you’ve done! Miracle after miracle after miracle. AH! I did have one question though. Tiny… but… ahh…what should I do now?
He waits…
You there? I mean I know you’re the one with the plan I’m here to do your work but if you could give me a sign of what that is exactly
A knock on the door and in walks a staff member
STAFF MEMBER: Um Mr Leader hello hello so sorry to interrupt but we’ve had another I’m afraid, just attempted, on manus. Set themselves alight but survived thank god
OUR LEADER: Oh for crying out loud. How many’s that? No – no don’t tell me. Listen, I’m in a very important chat right now and I’m
STAFF MEMBER: So sorry, of course, of course it can wait no hurry
They exit, Our Leader resumes prayers
OUR LEADER: Sorry about that! So as I was saying I’m not sure what do so if you could give me a sign
LITTLE MIRACLE: Daddy? Daddy
OUR LEADER: Well if it isn’t my little miracle. What’s up?
LITTLE MIRACLE:. I was watching TV and there were thousands of kids not going to school all across the world in protest. They said there its because there is an ecological crisis
OUR LEADER: Well that’s silly – can’t be prime minister if you don’t go to school now can you?
He taps her on the nose, she looks a bit worried.
OUR LEADER: Darling, you’re not worried are you? What do I always say?
LITTLE MIRACLE: Gods got a plan
OUR LEADER: That’s right – God’s got a plan and right now I’m talking to Him about it so don’t you worry about a thing. Daddy’s got this.
LITTLE MIRACLE: Thanks Daddy
OUR LEADER: So where was I? Oh yes… a sign
Anxiety bursts in
ANXIETY: BLLLAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
OUR LEADER: Um – who are you?
ANXIETY: Your anxiety!
OUR LEADER: What? No. I don’t have anxiety
ANXIETY: You do now!!! Da ta da da ta da RAHARAHARAHAH
Anxiety starts a song and dance number, perhaps with an entourage of bright and manic in tow.
OUR LEADER: No – No – get out! God?! Have you forsaken me? And Jesus Christ – you’re not much better. I asked for a sign and this malarkey is all I get! What the hell, mate? What the hell
Anxiety and its song and dance drowns him out.
by Ben Ellis
A classroom, emptied, 4pm. Sketchley is the teacher. Bobbi is the student.
S. I had to fail you
B. Okay
S. I understand if that upsets you
B. It’s the end of everything, it /really is
S. I wouldn’t put it that way
B. But you did put it that way. Fight for your life, you said. I did the little things. I had the affirmations on my mirror. I made myself attractive to the examiners. I was worthy of love. I was ready to top the year. You’ve ruined it
S. You ruined it
Continue reading “Monday 27 May – A Wrap Up”by Emilie Collyer
Sorry
by Emilie Collyer
A park.
A woman.
WOMAN: Um …
I’m sorry.
I …
It’s colder today. It feels like a shift in the seasons.
by Vidya Rajan
How good is good and and how good is Australia!
A preacher on stage – a robust man in a suit. He has the gestures, pace and presence of a TV personality (like a cheap game show host, or well, a tv preacher). He beams at us, eyes filled with fervour. A deep breath and he begins, direct to the audience.
PREACHER.
I am good. I am good. And how are you? Are you good? Are you good? Yes. You ARE good. Say it with me – you ARE good. I AM good, and so ARE you. How good are you! How gooooood are you! How good are all of you! All of you! So good. SO GOOD. Give it up – give it up for all of you. Seriously. For your goodness. Cause you are. Okay? You are. Mmhmm. You may not think it. You may not feel it. But you are. We are. We are good. We are good. Yes. So please. Please put your hands together now –
He clasps his hands together, interlocking the fingers and begins to move them up and down, emphasising the words even more.
Put your hands together now with me, and give it up! Give it up for the good inside you. Inside aaaallll of you. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise – don’t let all the nonsense from the outside ruin what you know about yourself. What you’ve always known.
He starts to choke up, maudlin. Hands on heart.
We read things and we see things and we hear things and these things that we see and we read and we hear, so often they are trying to take away what we already know and should believe about ourselves that we are good. Because we are –
A deep breath in –
BLESSED. Yes we are. Yes we are. We are blessed to be the good ones. You and I. So why hide this, why not take charge of our own blessed power, and by god – by god –
He thumps his chest.
Feel it. We need to feel it and we need to know that it is OURS. And we need, we need to know how good we all are. Yes, and we need to own the –
He is interrupted by the sound of angelic music. A beam of light flashes onto the stage blinding and stopping him.
Tracing the path of the beam, a figure walks out. It is a woman. She is in Virgin Mary blue robes. But her bottom half is a kangaroo suit -we can see the tail and legs poking out.
The preacher kneels, astonished. Mother Kangaroo Mary looks around, pretty non-plussed. She has a beer in one hand and takes a sip. When she speaks, she has an extreme ocker voice.
MOTHER KANGAROO MARY.
U alright mate? What you doing on the floor hey?
The preaches rises up, trembling. Looks out at the audience. He speaks, near crying.
PREACHER.
My – my god. We are so – so blessed with your – by your visitation.
MOTHER KANGAROO MARY.
Ah yeah – no dramas. No worries hey.
PREACHER.
If everyone could just, just join me in a round of…a round of applause for this truly goodly vision.
He starts to clap, encouraging the audience to join in.
MOTHER KANGAROO MARY.
Aw shit. Didn’t mean to cause a fuss mate.
PREACHER.
Truly powerful words.
MOTHER KANGAROO MARY.
Cheers.
She skulls her beer. The preacher watches and turns back to the audience.
PREACHER.
As I was saying, my fellow – my fellow good souls – when we are good, look what we bring upon ourselves.
Mary burps.
The angelic music starts again and another beam of light pierces the space.
The preacher starts.
PREACHER.
What – what could this be?
MOTHER KANGAROO MARY.
Ah yeah nah, probably my son hey.
PREACHER.
Your – your son?
Another figure enters the space. A man with a beard in a white picnic at hanging rock dress.
He comes and stands by his mother. He waves shyly.
Preacher gets back on his knees, teary.
PREACHER.
I wasn’t – I wasn’t expecting.
MOTHER KANGAROO MARY.
(to son) Go on.
Son shakes his head, covers his face.
MOTHER KANGAROO MARY.
Sorry, he’s always been a bit shy. Doesn’t like crowds.
PREACHER.
That’s so understandable. We are just honoured with his presence.
Son looks alarmed at these words.
MOTHER KANGAROO MARY.
Aw now you’ve wound him up.
PREACHER.
Sorry, what?
Son shrieks and runs off stage. Preacher gets up and starts to go after him.
MOTHER KANGAROO MARY.
Nah let him go. It’s best this way.
PREACHER.
Will he return?
MOTHER KANGAROO MARY.
Duno. He can be a bit skittish hey. He’s probably eating a biccy to calm down.
PREACHER.
Right.
He gazes at Mary then back at the audience.
PREACHER
(to Mother Kangaroo Mary)
Would – would you like to say a few words to everyone today? We would be honoured.
MOTHER KANGAROO MARY.
Thought I just did.
PREACHER.
About -about – our shared goodness?
MOTHER KANGAROO MARY.
Our what now?
PREACHER.
How good we are!
MOTHER KANGAROO MARY.
What’s that?
PREACHER.
How good we are! How good are we! Just talk about that!
MOTHER KANGAROO MARY.
Oh. Right.
Nah, I’m alright.
Preaches is very agitated.
PREACHER.
It’s really quite simple. I could show – I could show you if you wanted. You just have to say the words.
MOTHER KANGAROO MARY.
Yeah. Yeah nah.
She looks for a spot to put her beer but there isn’t any. She shrugs and tosses it lightly on the ground.
Seems a bit much.
It’s a nice arvo to just do nothing and watch the telly actually.
Might do that.
She shuffles, maybe hops off. As she does The Deal or No Deal theme song/intro starts to play loudly “26 cases! etc.”. The preacher blinks. He picks up the can. He looks at the audience blankly. The theme song continues. He shrugs too and walks off in the opposite direction.
by Ross Mueller
(A and B are in bed watching Sky News on TV. A is on the laptop and B is drinking whiskey. It is at least midnight)
A People who post threads on Twitter.
B Oh fuck off.
A I know.
B They can fuck right off.
A Take it easy.
B If you wanna write an essay, get on Facebook, you narcissistic pricks. It’s a micro-blogging site.
A People forget that.
B Well, people are fucked.
A Not all people.
B Yes. This week. All people. (beat) Just – don’t – okay?
A Suck it up, Princess.
B I am not a bad loser!
A Yes, I can see that.
(beat)
B I actually feel sorry for her.
A I know.
Continue reading “Saturday 25 May (1) – One Week In”by Emilie Collyer
The last time we were here, the babies were discussing child care packages, gold plated sipper cups and the vulnerabilities of their parents.
Today they are on the move. The child care centre has closed and they need to fend for themselves now.
B4: reading from The Age: ‘Under Mr Albanese, the Labor Party is expected to dump or significantly alter its policy platform, including up to $20 billion in proposed taxes on retired shareholders and property investors in its first four years. The changes would have paid for all of Labor’s cancer treatment, affordable housing, TAFE, pensioner dental and child care plans.’
B3: Shit, dude.
B1: Did you have to?
B4: What? We need to know what we’re up against.
B5: And hang on, those guys aren’t even in power. They lost. Why do we care about what they won’t be doing?
B4: The other mob don’t even mention us.
B3: We’re not even a football to them, hey.
B5: So maybe they’ve got heaps of good plans, they just haven’t announced them yet.
B3: (as if) Dude.
B5: Okay. Sorry.
B4: Like I said, we need to know the lay of land.
by Keziah Warner
In the campaign office, Sara and Annie are stress-eating bread and olive oil. Sara is tugging nervously at her trench coat.
The phone rings. Annie answers it.
ANNIE: Yes.
Yes.
Thank you.
She hangs up.
SARA: How much now?
ANNIE: Eighty percent.
SARA: And still behind by/…?
ANNIE: A lot. Yes.
SARA: Fuck.
ANNIE: It’s only eighty.
SARA: How good is your maths?
ANNIE: What?
SARA: Numbers.
ANNIE: Ok.
SARA: It’s been five days.
ANNIE: It’s not impossible.
SARA: But not probable.
ANNIE: It’s a lot to take in.
SARA: Concedere.
ANNIE: Consider…?
SARA: The Latin. Con, completely. Cedere, yield.
ANNIE: It’s not over till it’s over.
SARA: You’ll be ok. I expect you’ve had phone calls already.
ANNIE: I haven’t.
SARA: I’ve heard your phone ringing.
ANNIE: I have a job.
SARA: We’re going to need some more bread.
ANNIE: Yes.
Annie gets up. She stops at the door.
We still think every community matters, don’t we?
SARA: Maybe some more than others.
ANNIE: Latin, really?
SARA: Yes.
ANNIE: Don’t be such a wanker.
Annie leaves the room.
Sara sits for a second then takes a few sharp breaths in, like when you’re trying not to cry.
She composes herself.
She picks up the phone and dials.
SARA: Hi, it’s mum.
I’ll be home soon, darling. Is Dad home?
Ok can you tell him I’ll be there in half an hour?
Thanks darling. I love you too.
Bye. Bye.
She hangs up. Dials again.
Hello?
Hi. It’s Sara.
Yes. May I speak with/
Thank you.
Hi. It’s Sara.
I’m calling to say… congratulations.
by Angus Cameron
Actors begin to enter with large bundles of sticks, sombre but unemotional. They pile them together to make a bonfire. They leave and return as many times as needed. On the penultimate trip a large wooden stake is brought out and placed in the middle, standing vertical and tall above the pyre. The last one brings out a young child, of about 12. The actor who brings out the child is not rough or forceful with them but certainly in control; they stand near the bonfire.
The others stand and watch the child.
The Child: I will burn for you.
Two actors come forward and tie the child’s hands behind their back.
Again, this is not forceful.
They step away.
The Child: I will burn for you.
Two actors then guide the child to the centre of the pyre.
They step away.
The Child: I will burn for you.
An actor goes and ties the child to the stake.
And steps away.
The Child: I will burn for you.
One by one the actors light the bonfire until it is in flames.
The actors then stand and watch, still sombre but unemotional.
The smoke and flames obfuscate the centre of the bonfire.
The crackle and roar are loud.
Perhaps it is unclear but once more it can almost be heard:
The Child: I will burn for you.
A slight smile creeps onto one actor’s face.
by Marcel Dorney
G and H.
Silence.
H How did you really think that it was going to go?
G I’m not –
A siren sounds.
disappointed, I understood that this would be –
G breaks off, unable to hear themselves.
The siren stops.
H But how, exactly – I just want to know how you people think – how do you actually think other people actually make decisions?
Do you think that other people would deliberately cast their votes against their own interests? Unless, I mean I can see that they might’ve been persuaded by some loony uni lecturer that basic economics is some kind of fairy tale, but –
G Look, I just –
A siren sounds.
I believe that the conversation we’ve been having –
Breaks off.
The siren stops.
H Do you or do you not you actually believe that people know what their own interests are?
G I think that –
I think that the people you’re talking about, are often –
H Ohhhhh right yes the people I’m talking about.
Do you or do you not believe people? When they talk? Or is just that you don’t listen?
G I –
A siren sounds. H looks at G steadily.
The siren goes for several seconds and stops.
H Nothing to say?
G
H Look. When people tell you, like I’m telling you, they’ve been to Asia, okay, mate? and they’ve seen how they set fire to bloody everything? Do you not believe that? What I’ve seen with my own eyes? You’re gonna tell me – you’re really gonna tell me, and people like me, people who’ve built their own businesses, to vote, to deliberately vote to put their business at risk, their retirement at risk –
G WHAT KIND OF A RISK –
They break off, startled that the siren hasn’t sounded.
H Steady on, okay, there’s no need to get emotional.
G What kind of risk /do you think-
H An elevated risk. Y’know. The the kind that you’re so desperate to avoid ANYONE EVER having anxious about –
G What about the risk posed by a 2 degree rise –
Siren.
in global temperature – FUCK.
Several seconds of loud siren go by.
Silence.
H I’m sorry, okay, what a stunning argument, but alright, the world’s getting warmer, what do you expect people to do, exactly? What about China? What about Indonesia? What about us being a drop in the bloody ocean –
G We have the chance /to lead –
H No, you don’t.
You don’t have that chance, do you. Because you fucked it. And you know why. Because you were unwilling – not unable – unwilling to persuade enough people that when it comes to this, there is really any such thing as ‘we’. Because for you, there isn’t. Because it was easier and more fun to call them rednecks.
The siren sounds loudly. G yells over it.
G THEY ABUSE MY FRIENDS.
THESE PEOPLE HATE MY FRIENDS.
MY FRIENDS ARE SCARED TO WALK THE STREETS –
Siren cuts out. G keeps yelling.
BECAUSE OF THESE FUCKING ENTITLED WHITE CUH -.
G realises they’re yelling into silence.
Silence.
H Well. Awesome job addressing the root causes of that one, huh.
G
H What, you’re gonna complain about the siren?
G
H That, my friend, is the most popular siren in the country, and there’s a reason for that. Freedom of speech is not and will never be negotiable.
There’s nothing stopping you from making your case effectively. Everyone has difficulties to overcome.
You just can’t be arsed.
G opens their mouth.
They close it again.
H Bet you never thought the workers’ revolution would feel like this, didya.
Lights a cigar.
Like I said: I’ve been to China.
Offers one to G.
The Campaign & After Plays 