by Ross Mueller
—
(Penny, Kristina, Anthony and Richard are in a share house. They have cleaning equipment with them. They are about to move into their new share house)
Penny Pretty good.
Kristina Spotless.
Anthony Well… Better than what it was when we arrived.
Kristina It was actually pretty quick –
Anthony Well, when we work together –
Penny Exactly.
Kristina Painless.
Anthony An even distribution of duties and –
Penny Responsibilities.
Anthony Took the –
Kristina Word right out of your mouth?
Anthony Exactly.
Penny I think this is going to be great.
Kristina I can’t wait.
Anthony Oh – that’s so good to hear that. Such a relief.
Kristina Really?
Anthony Oh Kristina.
Kristina What is it?
Anthony Truth be told?… I was a little worried.
Kristina Oh no –
Anthony I have been through these changes before and it can be –
Kristina Oh no –
Penny You’re right.
Anthony Getting the mix right –
Penny It can be difficult.
Anthony A powder keg.
Kristina Oh.. This is so natural for me –
Anthony I’m pleased to hear it.
Penny Me too.
(beat)
Richard Can I just take this opportunity to –
Kristina Oh, Richard.
Richard. Yes, hello Kristina. Hello, and –
Penny I forgot you were here.
Richard Yes, hello Penny. Yes. I am here and – and can I just take this opportunity to – I just want to say; Thank you.
Kristina So sweet.
Richard Yes, yes I am. I am saying thank you – to all of you.
Anthony Richard –
Richard No, I think this is an important point and I want to make it.
Anthony The removalists are here in ten minutes.
Penny Good point.
Richard Penny –
Penny We’re moving forward Richard.
Richard But Penny, please.
Anthony Come on. Mate –
Richard Thank you.
Anthony You’re getting emotional.
Richard Because you took me in!
Anthony Don’t cry.
Richard For I was hungry and you fed me!
Anthony Not this –
Richard I was cold and you warmed me –
Penny (to Anthony) Does he doe this a lot?
Richard I was alone and now I am with friends.
Anthony I should have checked his referees.
Richard I was not expecting this and I know…
Penny (to Anthony) You fucken what?
Richard I know you are very good friends with Tanya and I know that you have a strong relationship with many people in Queensland and here could have been any number of talented tenants who possess vaginas…
Penny For fuck sake.
Richard But you chose me and my penis and I appreciate that so very much.
Anthony Mate – have a spell.
Richard What’s that?
Anthony Just – give it a rest –
Kristina (to Richard) Are you always going to be like this?
Richard Kristina, I think it is important to acknowledge – that some of us have been preparing our genitalia for this moment for all of our lives and some of us are very grateful. So. Thank you. Thank you.
(beat)
Anthony – is that it?
Penny Not another word.
Richard I’m finished.
Penny Promise?
Richard Hand on heart.
Kristina Okay.
Anthony Okay.
Penny Good.
Kristina Who wants a beer?
Penny Bloody awesome.
Anthony I thought you’d never ask.
Kristina Dicko?
Richard Oh – beer? No. Not for me –
Kristina Come on –
Anthony A beer.
Penny Richard.
Kristina You have to have a beer.
(beat)
Anthony It’s a housewarming thing to do.
Kristina It’s not going to kill you.
Penny How can you not have a beer?
Richard It bloats me.
Penny It fucken what?
Kristina You fucken what?
Anthony Mate –
Richard I’m on a cleanse and I don’t want to – you know?
Anthony Don’t say “cleanse”.
Richard I feel I need to be honest –
Anthony Don’t feel that. Stop feeling that. You don’t need to feel that, mate.
Richard Maybe a green tea with lemon?
Anthony / What the fuck are you talking about?
Kristina Green fucking what?
Penny I told you to check his references!
Anthony / I was organising the removalists, I was connecting the power, I was handling your mate Chris Bowen!
Penny – This is exactly – this is – exactly what I was worried about! He’s not my mate! Chris Bowen is not my mate!
Kristina Green fucking tea?
Richard Just an idea.
Kristina He never said anything about this in the Housemate interview.
Penny No.
Kristina Not a bloody word.
Richard About what?
Kristina You don’t drink beer.
Richard I don’t eat grains either, is that going to be problem?
Penny Are you a Vegan or some shit?
(beat)
Richard How are we going to decide who gets which bedroom?
Kristina Tanya drinks beer.
Penny Tanya loves a bloody beer.
Anthony Yes, yes she does.
Kristina You know who else loves beer?
Anthony Don’t say it.
Kristina You know!
Anthony I’m asking you –
Kristina Bill!
Penny Bill does love beer.
Anthony Don’t go there.
Penny He fucken does Albo!
Anthony Not another word!
Penny Carlton, Melbourne Bitter, Little Creatures, Peroni, Stella and all the Germans.
Kristina And the stouts.
Penny Oh good Christ.
Kristina How much does he love the dark ones?
Penny He loves the dark ones!!
Kristina How much?!
Penny So much!
Kristina Bill is a beer drinking legend!
Penny Bill is a bloody good bloke!
Anthony But Bill doesn’t live – here – any more!
(beat)
Kristina If you need me…
Penny We’re going to be upstairs.
Anthony Just like that?
Kristina You two keep the downstairs –
Penny We’ll look after upstairs.
Penny Okay?
Anthony Okay… But we’ll talk –
Penny Of course.
Kristina When we need to.
(beat)
Anthony You’re angry –
Kristina We’re not angry.
Anthony Yes you are.
Penny No.
Kristina We’re just disappointed.
Anthony Don’t be disappointed.
Penny Emily was right.
Anthony Who?
Kristina She made “the list”.
Anthony It’s all right for Emily, isn’t? She makes the list, but she doesn’t have to live here. She’s all happy making the list and deciding who should be going ahead of somebody else – but… I had to organise the removalists and get the power connected and the lease is in my name! not bloody Emily’s… I’m the one who is legally responsible!
Penny So, we’re going upstairs now.
Anthony okay.
Kristina We’re not leaving the property.
Penny But we’re going to be busy.
Kristina Very busy with –
Penny Estimates and –
Kristina Committees.
Penny So… Good luck with… whatever you two are going to do, together.
Kristina Yeah. Good luck.
(Penny and Kristina leave Anthony and Richard alone)
Richard They seem nice.
Anthony Jesus –
Richard All right, is this personal? Is this because of me?
Anthony What the fuck is wrong with you?
Richard Can I just, I just want to take this opportunity to express some thoughts about this situation –
Anthony Mate. They offered you a hand of peace; a beer. It’s a share house for Christ sake. Men and women; Fifty-fifty. How the fuck can you fuck that up?
Richard I’m not going to sleep with somebody just because they offered me a beer.
Anthony This has nothing to do with sex!
Richard I don’t even like beer, Antony.
Anthony Anthony!
Richard But you’re Italian.
Anthony No I’m not!
Richard Can we just clarify this – before we move on? How do you pronounce your surname?
Anthony Ahhhh!! Fuck!
Richard Cultural Misappropriation is a big thing for me.
Anthony I don’t care!
Richard How should I pronounce your name?
(Anthony throws his cleaning equipment at the wall)
Why are you expressing anger?!
Anthony Bill never asked me that shit.
(beat)
Richard Ah. Bill has really left his emotional footprint on your soul, hasn’t he?
Anthony That man… was a deeply flawed individual. But I’ll say this… he let me handle the infrastructure and he always paid the rent on time and he never… never… once refused a beer with his housemates. And he never once!…
(pause)
Richard He never once what?
Anthony Don’t interrupt me!
Richard Perhaps we should get a mediator?
Anthony Next door! Morrison is having a fucking party! That house is falling down around their ears and nobody seems to care! Why can’t we live like the Morrisons? Why can’t we just not give a shit! He promised tax cuts by July First and guess what?! Not going to happen! They’re not coming! He hasn’t even got parliament to sit by June! He said he stopped the boats, and guess fucken what? There’s a boatload of Sri Lankans getting turned back right now! They didn’t stop ‘em they never stopped them! They just didn’t report them and the media?… the media is not fucken interested! How good is that?!
Richard I think we’re slightly off topic.
Anthony You have no business living in this house.
Richard I find that statement deeply problematic.
Anthony This is a huge mistake! You are a huge mistake! I’m sorry, Richard. But I think I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
Richard Antony –
Anthony My name is ANTHONY!
Richard Can I just take this opportunity to express a few thoughts –
Anthony No!
Richard Several months ago I met with the Morrisons and we had a great conversation about franking credits –
(A concussion grenade is thrown through the window. Smoke bombs, tear gas and sirens. Countless people in tactical black overalls, boots and helmets storm the share house. They wear goggles and carry automatic weapons. They are shouting; “On the ground! Move! On the ground!” Four of them frog march Kristina and Penny down the stairs, the four of them are handcuffed and thrown face down on the ground. They have boots to the back of their heads. It is now that we can see the invaders have black Velcro strips across their chests)
Media Don’t say another fucking word.
Anthony Show us your warrant.
(Media kicks him)
Media 1 Inner! City! Leftie! Scum!
(beat)
Richard I actually come from Geelong.
Media Shut the fuck up!
Richard It’s an industrial city about fifty kilometres outside Melbourne –
Media What the fuck is wrong with you?! What is wrong with your brain?! Are you an idiot?! She told you! Shut! Your fucking stinking latte sipping climate denying arse kissing class traitor fucking mouth!
Richard Can I just take this opportunity to express a few thoughts on freedom of speech – ?
(Media 1 beats Richard unconscious. Beat)
Kristina Thank you.
Media 1 Don’t push it.
Anthony We actually don’t even know how he got in here –
Media You let him in! You! Are responsible.
Anthony There was a mistake with the list –
Media Silence!
Penny The vetting process –
Media Shut up!
Kristina We were under a lot of time pressure!
Media (to Anthony) These people are here because you want them. You have complete control of their actions, their thoughts, their ambition… desires.
Media 2 You are the Demigod of facitional negotiations.
Anthony No I’m not.
Media 2 Yes you are!
Media They bow to you, they kiss your ring!
Media 1 They imagine your open mouth when they circle jerk.
Media They hold you in their highest esteem!
Media 2 So high they will wash the blood from the walls in your name.
Penny Now justa second –
Media Silence.
Media 2 We know what happened here.
Kristina There was no circle jerking –
Penny Hear, hear –
Media There was a coup.
Anthony No.
Penny Not this time.
Anthony We have rules.
Kristina We have a list.
Media 2 Lies.
Media The DNA is spattered all over these walls.
Media 1 Like a prostate cancer shitter.
Kristina Jesus –
Media You are covered in remains!
Media 2 The black light will show the murderers.
Media 1 You. Can not. Escape!
Media We have you!
(Richard wakes up)
Richard Can I just take this moment to extol the virtues of –
(All of the Media beat him to death)
Media You see what we are capable of… you see.
Media 2 But do you understand?
(beat)
Anthony This is a little more complex than it looks.
Kristina Is he really dead?
Media Nothing is complex any more!
Media 1 Every. Thing. Is.
Kristina He’s dead.
Media 1 Simple!
Media 2 Fuck yeah!
Anthony We were expecting the removalists. Are you the removalists?
Media No. We are…
(they rip the black Velcro from their chests and we can see the word as they extol it)
ALL THE MEDIA!
Penny Why are we being arrested by the media?
Media 2 Nobody is arresting you.
Media 1 Idiot!
Media 2 Fool!
Kristina But we’re handcuffed.
Media That is your opinion.
Kristina No, this is the reality.
Anthony I certainly feel like I am being restrained –
Media 1 Can you see any handcuffs?
Penny I can’t move my hands.
Media So that makes you you believe that you’re handcuffed?
Penny I know when I am being handcuffed and this is what is happening right now!
Media 1 Liar!
Media Witch!
Anthony Wait a minute –
Media 2` The witch is lying!
Penny I am not a witch!
Media This one can not be trusted!
Media 1 She is refusing to shake my hand!
Penny I am handcuffed!
Media 1 She will not touch me!
Media Don’t look her in the eye!
Media 2 Do not look at me witch!
Anthony Penny is the leader of the Opposition in the senate!
Kristina We are not witches.
Penny We are just housemates!
Media Burn her!
Media 2 Burn her!
Media 1 Yes! We will burn her for you!
Media 2 Kerosene! Burn the witches! Burn down their Wicken house of horrors.
(The Media start pouring cans of kerosene all over the four handcuffed housemates, they start chanting to themselves; “burn, burn, burn for you… burn, burn, burn for you”)
Anthony I honestly thought you people would be prepared to give me chance.
Penny I demand my lawyer.
Kristina Ed Husic! You owe me big time!
Anthony Have tou seen the Morrison house next door?
Media 2 (Laughing) Yes! We know that house!
Media Ha!! The Morrison house! Hilarious.
Anthony It is a wreck!
Media It is out greatest creation!
(Media holds a box of matches)
Media You have one last chance…
Anthony Yes! Okay, anything.
Media We will spare your petty little lives…on one condition!
Anthony Yes!
Media The boy.
Media 2 Give us the boy.
Kristina What boy?
Media 1 Where is he?
Penny Who?
Media Why are you protecting him?!
Kristina We are not protecting anybody!
Anthony We can’t give you somebody if we don’t know who you want.
Media 2 We want the whipping boy!!
Media 1 Give. Us. The whipping boy!
Media 2 We want the boy to whip!
Media Hand over the whipping boy and you can live!
Kristina Does the whipping boy have a name?
Media Bill!
Media1 Bill!
Media 2 Give us Barabbas!
(beat)
Anthony Bill?
Media 2 Give us Bill!
Media And you may live.
(beat)
Kristina But… Bill has gone.
Media 2 You know where he is.
Kristina He’s not here –
Media So he’s coming back?
Anthony No.
Media Bill is coming back to lead you again!
Penny No, he’s not!
Media But he is not dead!
Penny No – he lives.
Media So he is plotting a coup to take over!
Anthony No, he moved out, it was very amicable.
Media You lie.
Media 1 They all lie!
Media Bill is coming back! We know this! He is coming home and you are lying with you leftie-scum-latte-sipping tongue!
Penny We are telling you the truth.
Media 2 This place stinks of fucking smashed avocado and kale.
Penny That’s the sugar soap.
Media Ha!! A confession! You have been washing the blood from the walls!
Anthony No! We just moved in. The removalists are coming and –
Kristina We didn’t kill anybody –
Media Where is Ed Husic?
Kristina He stepped aside.
Media 2 You killed him!
Media 1 The witch killed Ed Husic!
Media The only Muslim in the parliament and you murdered him in his sleep!
Penny No! She didn’t do that –
Kristina He stepped aside!
Media No man would do that for a woman!
Kristina Ed did!
Penny Ed is good!
Media Ed has ambition!
Kristina Ed stepped aside!
Media Why?! Why would Ed do this for you?
Anthony Ed did it for me.
Media You are not woman!
Anthony I wanted Kristina in the house and… Ed understood the complexity of the situation and he… He gave up his place. He stepped aside so that Kristina could live here and now…
Kristina is not a murderer.
Nobody here are murderers.
Penny “Is..”
Anthony What’s that?
Penny Doesn’t matter –
Anthony If I got it wrong –
Penny You’re fine – it’s just a grammar thing – nobody cares.
Media 1 Stop! Whispering! Language!
Media 2 Devils!
Media 1 Morrison! Told us you lie!
Media 2 You liars!
Anthony No! We are just mates… Sharing a house and… We just want to start living before we get put on trial and burned at the stake.
Is that too much to ask?
Is it?
(silence)
Media So, Bill is returning. He has plans to take over.
Media 2 To stab this one in the back!
Media 1 To. Rule. The world!
Media Yes?… Yes?… is this true, my little squirming worm?
Anthony No.
Kristina It’s not true.
Penny It is bullshit.
Media It is true.
Media 2 Yes.
Media 1 Confirmed by three sorcerers.
Anthony Liars!
Media 1 You. Must. Die!
(Media lights the match)
Anthony You’re going to regret this!
Penny We are innocent.
Kristina Look at the house next door!
(Media laugh hysterically)
Anthony Why are you doing this?
Media Yes. Exactly.
Penny That doesn’t make any sense.
Media 2 We are speaking in tongues.
Anthony We don’t understand.
Media That is because…
Media 1 It. Is. A miracle.
(Media drops the match. Explosion of light. Black out)
The Campaign & After Plays 