Saturday 1 June – Explosion of Light

 by Ross Mueller

(Penny, Kristina, Anthony and Richard are in a share house. They have cleaning equipment with them. They are about to move into their new share house)

Penny        Pretty good.

Kristina    Spotless.

Anthony    Well… Better than what it was when we arrived.

Kristina    It was actually pretty quick –

Anthony    Well, when we work together –

Penny        Exactly.

Kristina    Painless.

Anthony    An even distribution of duties and –

Penny        Responsibilities.

Anthony    Took the –

Kristina    Word right out of your mouth?

Anthony    Exactly.

Penny        I think this is going to be great.

Kristina    I can’t wait.

Anthony    Oh – that’s so good to hear that. Such a relief.

Kristina    Really?

Anthony    Oh Kristina.

Kristina    What is it?

Anthony    Truth be told?… I was a little worried.

Kristina    Oh no –

Anthony    I have been through these changes before and it can be –

Kristina    Oh no –

Penny        You’re right.

Anthony    Getting the mix right –

Penny        It can be difficult.

Anthony    A powder keg.

Kristina    Oh.. This is so natural for me –

Anthony    I’m pleased to hear it.

Penny        Me too.


Richard    Can I just take this opportunity to –

Kristina    Oh, Richard.

Richard.    Yes, hello Kristina. Hello, and –

Penny        I forgot you were here.

Richard    Yes, hello Penny. Yes. I am here and – and can I just take this opportunity to – I just want to say; Thank you.

Kristina    So sweet.

Richard    Yes, yes I am. I am saying thank you – to all of you.

Anthony    Richard –

Richard    No, I think this is an important point and I want to make it.

Anthony    The removalists are here in ten minutes.

Penny        Good point.

Richard    Penny –

Penny        We’re moving forward Richard.

Richard    But Penny, please.

Anthony    Come on. Mate –

Richard    Thank you.

Anthony    You’re getting emotional.

Richard    Because you took me in!

Anthony    Don’t cry.

Richard    For I was hungry and you fed me!

Anthony    Not this –

Richard    I was cold and you warmed me –

Penny    (to Anthony) Does he doe this a lot?

Richard    I was alone and now I am with friends.

Anthony    I should have checked his referees.

Richard    I was not expecting this and I know…

Penny    (to Anthony) You fucken what?

Richard    I know you are very good friends with Tanya and I know that you have a strong relationship with many people in Queensland and here could have been any number of talented tenants who possess vaginas…

Penny    For fuck sake.

Richard    But you chose me and my penis and I appreciate that so very much.

Anthony    Mate – have a spell.

Richard    What’s that?

Anthony    Just – give it a rest –

Kristina    (to Richard) Are you always going to be like this?

Richard    Kristina, I think it is important to acknowledge – that some of us have been preparing our genitalia for this moment for all of our lives and some of us are very grateful. So. Thank you. Thank you.


Anthony    – is that it?

Penny    Not another word.

Richard    I’m finished.

Penny    Promise?

Richard    Hand on heart.

Kristina    Okay.

Anthony    Okay.

Penny    Good.

Kristina    Who wants a beer?

Penny    Bloody awesome.

Anthony    I thought you’d never ask.

Kristina    Dicko?

Richard    Oh – beer? No. Not for me –

Kristina    Come on –

Anthony    A beer.

Penny    Richard.

Kristina    You have to have a beer.


Anthony    It’s a housewarming thing to do.

Kristina    It’s not going to kill you.

Penny    How can you not have a beer?

Richard    It bloats me.

Penny    It fucken what?

Kristina    You fucken what?

Anthony    Mate –

Richard    I’m on a cleanse and I don’t want to – you know?

Anthony    Don’t say “cleanse”.

Richard    I feel I need to be honest –

Anthony    Don’t feel that. Stop feeling that. You don’t need to feel that, mate.

Richard    Maybe a green tea with lemon?

Anthony    /  What the fuck are you talking about?

Kristina    Green fucking what?

Penny    I told you to check his references!

Anthony    /  I was organising the removalists, I was connecting the power, I was handling your mate Chris Bowen!

Penny    – This is exactly – this is – exactly what I was worried about! He’s not my mate! Chris Bowen is not my mate!

Kristina    Green fucking tea?

Richard    Just an idea.

Kristina    He never said anything about this in the Housemate interview.

Penny    No.

Kristina    Not a bloody word.

Richard    About what?

Kristina    You don’t drink beer.

Richard    I don’t eat grains either, is that going to be problem?

Penny    Are you a Vegan or some shit?


Richard    How are we going to decide who gets which bedroom?

Kristina    Tanya drinks beer.

Penny    Tanya loves a bloody beer.

Anthony    Yes, yes she does.

Kristina    You know who else loves beer?

Anthony    Don’t say it.

Kristina    You know!

Anthony    I’m asking you –

Kristina    Bill!

Penny    Bill does love beer.

Anthony    Don’t go there.

Penny    He fucken does Albo!

Anthony    Not another word!

Penny    Carlton, Melbourne Bitter, Little Creatures, Peroni, Stella and all the Germans.

Kristina    And the stouts.

Penny    Oh good Christ.

Kristina    How much does he love the dark ones?

Penny    He loves the dark ones!!

Kristina    How much?!

Penny    So much!

Kristina    Bill is a beer drinking legend!

Penny    Bill is a bloody good bloke!

Anthony    But Bill doesn’t live – here – any more!


Kristina    If you need me…

Penny    We’re going to be upstairs.

Anthony    Just like that?

Kristina    You two keep the downstairs –  

Penny    We’ll look after upstairs.

Penny    Okay?

Anthony    Okay… But we’ll talk –

Penny    Of course.

Kristina    When we need to.


Anthony    You’re angry –

Kristina    We’re not angry.

Anthony    Yes you are.

Penny    No.

Kristina    We’re just disappointed.

Anthony    Don’t be disappointed.

Penny    Emily was right.

Anthony    Who?

Kristina    She made “the list”.

Anthony    It’s all right for Emily, isn’t? She makes the list, but she doesn’t have to live here. She’s all happy making the list and deciding who should be going ahead of somebody else – but… I had to organise the removalists and get the power connected and the lease is in my name! not bloody Emily’s… I’m the one who is legally responsible!

Penny    So, we’re going upstairs now.

Anthony    okay.

Kristina    We’re not leaving the property.

Penny    But we’re going to be busy.

Kristina    Very busy with –

Penny    Estimates and –

Kristina    Committees.

Penny    So… Good luck with… whatever you two are going to do, together.

Kristina    Yeah. Good luck.

    (Penny and Kristina leave Anthony and Richard alone)

Richard    They seem nice.

Anthony    Jesus –

Richard    All right, is this personal? Is this because of me?

Anthony    What the fuck is wrong with you?

Richard    Can I just, I just want to take this opportunity to express some thoughts about this situation –

Anthony    Mate. They offered you a hand of peace; a beer. It’s a share house for Christ sake. Men and women; Fifty-fifty. How the fuck can you fuck that up?

Richard    I’m not going to sleep with somebody just because they offered me a beer.

Anthony    This has nothing to do with sex!

Richard    I don’t even like beer, Antony.

Anthony    Anthony!

Richard    But you’re Italian.

Anthony    No I’m not!

Richard    Can we just clarify this – before we move on? How do you pronounce your surname?

Anthony    Ahhhh!! Fuck!

Richard    Cultural Misappropriation is a big thing for me.

Anthony    I don’t care!

Richard    How should I pronounce your name?

(Anthony throws his cleaning equipment at the wall)

Why are you expressing anger?!

Anthony    Bill never asked me that shit.


Richard    Ah. Bill has really left his emotional footprint on your soul, hasn’t he?

Anthony    That man… was a deeply flawed individual. But I’ll say this… he let me handle the infrastructure and he always paid the rent on time and he never… never… once refused a beer with his housemates. And he never once!…


Richard    He never once what?

Anthony    Don’t interrupt me!

Richard    Perhaps we should get a mediator?

Anthony    Next door! Morrison is having a fucking party! That house is falling down around their ears and nobody seems to care! Why can’t we live like the Morrisons? Why can’t we just not give a shit! He promised tax cuts by July First and guess what?! Not going to happen! They’re not coming! He hasn’t even got parliament to sit by June! He said he stopped the boats, and guess fucken what? There’s a boatload of Sri Lankans getting turned back right now! They didn’t stop ‘em they never stopped them! They just didn’t report them and the media?… the media is not fucken interested! How good is that?!

Richard    I think we’re slightly off topic.

Anthony    You have no business living in this house.

Richard    I find that statement deeply problematic.

Anthony    This is a huge mistake! You are a huge mistake! I’m sorry, Richard. But I think I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

Richard    Antony –

Anthony    My name is ANTHONY!

Richard    Can I just take this opportunity to express a few thoughts –

Anthony    No!

Richard    Several months ago I met with the Morrisons and we had a great conversation about franking credits –

    (A concussion grenade is thrown through the window. Smoke bombs, tear gas and sirens. Countless people in tactical black overalls, boots and helmets storm the share house. They wear goggles and carry automatic weapons. They are shouting; “On the ground! Move! On the ground!” Four of them frog march Kristina and Penny down the stairs, the four of them are handcuffed and thrown face down on the ground. They have boots to the back of their heads. It is now that we can see the invaders have black Velcro strips across their chests)

Media    Don’t say another fucking word.

Anthony    Show us your warrant.

    (Media kicks him)

Media 1    Inner! City! Leftie! Scum!


Richard    I actually come from Geelong.

Media    Shut the fuck up!

Richard    It’s an industrial city about fifty kilometres outside Melbourne –

Media    What the fuck is wrong with you?! What is wrong with your brain?! Are you an idiot?! She told you! Shut! Your fucking stinking latte sipping climate denying arse kissing class traitor fucking mouth!

Richard    Can I just take this opportunity to express a few thoughts on freedom of speech – ?

    (Media 1 beats Richard unconscious. Beat)

Kristina    Thank you.

Media 1    Don’t push it.

Anthony    We actually don’t even know how he got in here –

Media    You let him in! You! Are responsible.

Anthony    There was a mistake with the list –

Media    Silence!

Penny    The vetting process –

Media    Shut up!

Kristina    We were under a lot of time pressure!

Media    (to Anthony) These people are here because you want them. You have complete control of their actions, their thoughts, their ambition… desires.

Media 2    You are the Demigod of facitional negotiations.

Anthony    No I’m not.

Media 2    Yes you are!

Media    They bow to you, they kiss your ring!

Media 1    They imagine your open mouth when they circle jerk.

Media     They hold you in their highest esteem!

Media 2    So high they will wash the blood from the walls in your name.

Penny    Now justa second –

Media    Silence.

Media 2    We know what happened here.

Kristina    There was no circle jerking –

Penny    Hear, hear –

Media    There was a coup.

Anthony    No.

Penny    Not this time.

Anthony    We have rules.

Kristina    We have a list.

Media 2    Lies.

Media    The DNA is spattered all over these walls.

Media 1    Like a prostate cancer shitter.

Kristina    Jesus –

Media    You are covered in remains!

Media 2    The black light will show the murderers.

Media 1    You. Can not. Escape!

Media    We have you!  

    (Richard wakes up)

Richard    Can I just take this moment to extol the virtues of –

    (All of the Media beat him to death)

Media    You see what we are capable of… you see.

Media 2    But do you understand?


Anthony    This is a little more complex than it looks.

Kristina    Is he really dead?

Media    Nothing is complex any more!

Media 1    Every. Thing. Is.

Kristina    He’s dead.

Media 1    Simple!

Media 2    Fuck yeah!

Anthony    We were expecting the removalists. Are you the removalists?

Media    No. We are…

(they rip the black Velcro from their chests and we can see the word as they extol it)  


Penny    Why are we being arrested by the media?

Media 2    Nobody is arresting you.

Media 1    Idiot!

Media 2    Fool!

Kristina    But we’re handcuffed.

Media     That is your opinion.

Kristina    No, this is the reality.

Anthony    I certainly feel like I am being restrained –

Media 1    Can you see any handcuffs?

Penny    I can’t move my hands.

Media     So that makes you you believe that you’re handcuffed?

Penny    I know when I am being handcuffed and this is what is happening right now!

Media 1    Liar!

Media    Witch!

Anthony    Wait a minute –

Media 2`    The witch is lying!

Penny    I am not a witch!

Media    This one can not be trusted!

Media 1    She is refusing to shake my hand!

Penny    I am handcuffed!

Media 1    She will not touch me!

Media     Don’t look her in the eye!

Media 2    Do not look at me witch!

Anthony    Penny is the leader of the Opposition in the senate!

Kristina    We are not witches.

Penny    We are just housemates!

Media     Burn her!

Media 2    Burn her!

Media 1    Yes! We will burn her for you!

Media 2    Kerosene! Burn the witches! Burn down their Wicken house of horrors.

    (The Media start pouring cans of kerosene all over the four handcuffed housemates, they start chanting to themselves; “burn, burn, burn for you… burn, burn, burn for you”)

Anthony    I honestly thought you people would be prepared to give me chance.

Penny    I demand my lawyer.

Kristina    Ed Husic! You owe me big time!

Anthony    Have tou seen the Morrison house next door?

Media 2    (Laughing) Yes! We know that house!

Media    Ha!! The Morrison house! Hilarious.

Anthony    It is a wreck!

Media    It is out greatest creation!

    (Media holds a box of matches)

Media    You have one last chance…

Anthony    Yes! Okay, anything.

Media    We will spare your petty little lives…on one condition!

Anthony    Yes!

Media        The boy.

Media 2    Give us the boy.

Kristina    What boy?

Media 1    Where is he?

Penny    Who?

Media    Why are you protecting him?!

Kristina    We are not protecting anybody!

Anthony    We can’t give you somebody if we don’t know who you want.

Media 2    We want the whipping boy!!

Media 1    Give. Us. The whipping boy!

Media 2    We want the boy to whip!

Media    Hand over the whipping boy and you can live!

Kristina    Does the whipping boy have a name?

Media    Bill!

Media1    Bill!

Media 2    Give us Barabbas!


Anthony    Bill?

Media 2    Give us Bill!

Media    And you may live.


Kristina    But… Bill has gone.

Media 2    You know where he is.

Kristina    He’s not here –

Media    So he’s coming back?

Anthony    No.

Media    Bill is coming back to lead you again!

Penny    No, he’s not!

Media    But he is not dead!

Penny    No – he lives.

Media    So he is plotting a coup to take over!

Anthony    No, he moved out, it was very amicable.

Media    You lie.

Media 1    They all lie!

Media     Bill is coming back! We know this! He is coming home and you are lying with you leftie-scum-latte-sipping tongue!

Penny    We are telling you the truth.

Media 2    This place stinks of fucking smashed avocado and kale.

Penny    That’s the sugar soap.

Media    Ha!! A confession! You have been washing the blood from the walls!

Anthony    No! We just moved in. The removalists are coming and –

Kristina    We didn’t kill anybody –

Media    Where is Ed Husic?

Kristina    He stepped aside.

Media 2    You killed him!

Media 1    The witch killed Ed Husic!

Media    The only Muslim in the parliament and you murdered him in his sleep!

Penny    No! She didn’t do that –

Kristina    He stepped aside!

Media    No man would do that for a woman!

Kristina    Ed did!

Penny    Ed is good!

Media    Ed has ambition!

Kristina    Ed stepped aside!

Media    Why?! Why would Ed do this for you?

Anthony    Ed did it for me.

Media    You are not woman!

Anthony    I wanted Kristina in the house and… Ed understood the complexity of the situation and he… He gave up his place. He stepped aside so that Kristina could live here and now…

Kristina is not a murderer.

Nobody here are murderers.

Penny        “Is..”

Anthony    What’s that?

Penny        Doesn’t matter –

Anthony    If I got it wrong –

Penny        You’re fine – it’s just a grammar thing – nobody cares.

Media 1    Stop! Whispering! Language!

Media 2    Devils!

Media 1    Morrison! Told us you lie!

Media 2    You liars!

Anthony    No! We are just mates… Sharing a house and… We just want to start living before we get put on trial and burned at the stake.

Is that too much to ask?

Is it?


Media    So, Bill is returning. He has plans to take over.

Media 2    To stab this one in the back!

Media 1    To. Rule. The world!

Media     Yes?… Yes?… is this true, my little squirming worm?

Anthony    No.

Kristina    It’s not true.

Penny    It is bullshit.

Media    It is true.

Media 2    Yes.

Media 1    Confirmed by three sorcerers.

Anthony    Liars!

Media 1    You. Must. Die!

    (Media lights the match)

Anthony    You’re going to regret this!

Penny    We are innocent.

Kristina    Look at the house next door!

(Media laugh hysterically)

Anthony    Why are you doing this?

Media     Yes. Exactly.

Penny    That doesn’t make any sense.

Media 2    We are speaking in tongues.

Anthony    We don’t understand.

Media    That is because…

Media 1    It. Is. A miracle.

    (Media drops the match. Explosion of light. Black out)   


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